HOROSCOPES: OCTOBER 25-31, 2021

HoroscopesHumour

25 Oct

Mystic Adam, the fortune teller that nobody asked for, is here to fill you in on what’s written in the stars for your Halloween week!

Capricorn ♑︎ | December 22 – January 19

Amorous Capricorn, your cup will overflow with admirers this week. You’ll get a winner from Tinder. A ginge from Hinge. A fumble from Bumble. Someone hot but stupid from Ok Cupid. Consider good crop management technique before sowing wild oats.

Aquarius ♒︎ | January 20 – February 18

A life-long Leo friend will turn to you for advice again this week. Extend them your help as you always have. You just keep doing you, Aquarius, you’re doing great.

Pisces ♓︎ | February 19 – March 20

Hardworking Pisces, Mercury has just exited retrograde and so you may be feeling a little additional anxiety entering Reading Week. Some space for self-reflection is called for. Time to stop thinking retrograde and start thinking i-grade?

Aries ♈︎ | March 21 – April 19

This week’s word is “excess”! Embrace your value. Drink the wine. Do the shots. Text your ex and tell him his new boo got warts from their commerce lecturer. Let nobody stand in your way!

Taurus ♉︎ | April 20 – May 20

This week you will be attacked by a bear. I’m sorry, I don’t know if that’s a metaphorical bear or not. The stars can be cryptic sometimes. Maybe just, you know, keep an eye out.

Gemini ♊︎ | May 21 – June 20

Halloween is upon us Gemini! Time to let loose and blow off some hard-earned steam in style. A word of advice, “sexy coronavirus” is not the hilarious costume idea you think it is. Catch yourself on.

Cancer ♋︎ | June 21 – July 22

Party-loving Cancer, you’re more than ready to jump back into to the nightlife you once knew. I see a tall, handsome man dressed in black standing in a doorway this Friday night. He wants you to go get a glass of water or a bag of chips before he’ll even think about letting you inside.

Leo ♌︎ | July 23 - August 22

That annoying and arrogant Aquarius is trying to live your life for you again this week, Leo. Time to bring out those claws! What do they know anyway? Maybe it’s time to reveal that secret you promised you’d keep. That’ll show ‘em.

Virgo ♍︎ | August 23 – September 22

You‘ve been thinking about personal growth for some weeks, Virgo. The time to act is now. I know you’d prefer I didn’t divulge where exactly that personal growth is, but campus has some really great doctors that I think could offer a professional opinion.

Libra ♎︎ | September 23 – October 23

Third-year business and commerce Libra, welcome to Reading Week! It’s been a while so allow me to offer some helpful guidance. “Reading” is the thing you do when you look at those little squiggles on a page and they form words that are helpful to your studies.

Scorpio ♏︎ | October 24 – November 21

Happy birthday, Scorpio! New opportunities will arise this week with a beautiful stranger. They have something in their possession they’d like you to bring across a border for them. This could lead to an unexpected windfall or herald the start of a 10-15 year sojourn away from home.

Sagittarius ♐︎ | November 22 – December 21

There comes a time in every Sagittarius’ life where they need to take stock. This week, that stock will mostly consist of chicken rolls, Freddos, and cans of Coke from the campus Spar. The feeling of elation that comes with your usual stealing sprees will be renewing for your twisted, petty soul.