ADVICE WITH AGONY ADAM: CHRISTMAS CRISES

HumourAdvice

30 Nov

Taking a career break from the mysticism, Adam Leahy turns his attentions to the seasonal struggles of students at the University of Limerick.

Dear Adam, my Irish catholic mother recently announced to our family that she’s an atheist. She believes this means she’s exempt from celebrating Christmas with us this year and – more importantly – cooking Christmas dinner. What do we do? Help! Christmas Crisis in Clonakilty.

It’s time you learned something that all male Irish teenagers learn around the age of 15. If you mess something up beyond all comprehension just one time, you’ll never be asked to do it again. I’ve used this one myself to escape countless dishwashing duties as a teen.

Lure your mom into a false sense of security. Tell her that you and your siblings have it all under control. Order the turkey, prepare the vegetables, dress the table. Then burn everything so badly that not even the dog would eat it.

She’ll be praying for divine forgiveness and mashing the spuds in no time.

Adam, help! I bought my girlfriend a Christmas gift, but now I'm pretty sure we'll break up. Any advice on what to do with the gift? Lovelorn in Longford.

Well Lovelorn, what you’ve got yourself here is an opportunity.

There’s always that one person that shows up to Christmas dinner uninvited each year. They didn’t tell anyone they were coming. Nobody got a present for them. And, inexplicably, they’ve got a €50 One4All voucher in a card with your name on it.

Simply save your ex’s gift until Christmas Day and give it to the first unexpected person that walks through the door. You’ll look kind, prepared, and thoughtful compared to everyone else, and you won’t be in the awkward position of having to accept a gift with nothing in return.

Let’s just hope your ex didn’t have a kinky Christmas list!

Adam, my Erasmus student’s American girlfriend is visiting for the holidays. She’s nice and I’m happy they’re spending time together. But the noises from his bedroom every night are just too much. What should I do? Naughty Noises from Nenagh.

A common conundrum this time of year. My advice, take up Mongolian throat singing.

Every time they decide to get festively frisky, break into your favourite raspy chant. They’ll be so taken aback by the sounds you’re making alone in your room that they’ll likely question how effective what they’ve been doing really is.

What’s up, Adam! Every year I’m visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve telling me that I’ve made poor life decisions. What do I do? Scrooged in Sneem.

Believe it or not, Scrooged, I’ve been there myself! Usual advice is to change your ways. Spend more time thinking of others and give generously to charity. Where’s the fun in that?

This year, bring the ghosts down to your level. Grow in a McGregor circa 2014 top knot and attitude to match. Punch a swan. Put foreign currency into the donation box that would cost the beneficiary more to exchange than it would to simply throw away.

Basically, be a real ding dong. They’ll be so exasperated that they’ll probably write you off as a lost cause. Have some fun with it. Their souls can’t cross over until they get you to change your life, but that doesn’t mean you have to make it easy for them!