HOROSCOPES: NOVEMBER 29- DECEMBER 31, 2021

HoroscopesHumour

30 Nov

Will your car break down while driving home for Christmas? Will you once again see mommy kissing Santa Claus or will you have yourself a merry little Christmas? Do they know it’s Christmas time at all? Let’s find out. Mystic Adam has some ho-ho-horoscopes to kick off your Christmas season!

Capricorn ♑︎ | December 22 – January 19

Your loved ones will surprise you with a great abundance of gifts this year. While the five golden rings will be a welcome addition to your jewellery box, you’ll find yourself questioning your ability to provide adequate accommodation for the twelve drummers drumming – not to mention chaos the partridge, geese, and turtle doves will wreak on your kitchen floor.

Aquarius ♒︎ | January 20 – February 18

Seasonal horror ahead on the 25th as a magic hat you found in your grandfather’s garage brings your sister’s snowman to life. Hold on for dear life as the flying kidnapper whisks you off on a midnight flight and pray your hands aren’t warm enough to melt his chilly grasp.

Pisces ♓︎ | February 19 – March 20

Annual confrontations escalate this year as your uncle (you know which one) comes armed and prepared to defend to the death his belief that Die Hard is indeed a Christmas film.

Aries ♈︎ | March 21 – April 19

Your partner’s best friend will show up at your door this Christmas Eve with a series of A1-sized cue cards scrawled with professions of love. I recommend telling him how inappropriate this act is, but wishing the creeper well for the season nonetheless.

Taurus ♉︎ | April 20 – May 20

Interesting conversations with your international housemates are in store on the 26th as you attempt to explain why thirty grown men dressed entirely in straw are at the door demanding coins for the local parish.

Gemini ♊︎ | May 21 – June 20

A new career opportunity will arise this Christmas as an old, bearded man falls to his death from the roof of your house. I hope you enjoy long commutes and working holidays.

Cancer ♋︎ | June 21 – July 22

Your dreams of a white Christmas will be fulfilled this year as Uncle Escobar drops into town for a surprise visit. Expect late nights and animated, rambling conversations in front of the fire.

Leo ♌︎ | July 23 - August 22

Break out the boxing gloves this Christmas Day as your aunt, after a bottle and a half of sherry, decides to remind your mother once again that she ripped that denim jacket she didn’t even ask if she could borrow 37 years ago.

Virgo ♍︎ | August 23 – September 22

Santa Claus is coming to town! And thanks to his independent mode of transportation, he hasn’t had to provide vaccine certification at any point on his journey. Consider keeping the doors and windows closed this Christmas.

Libra ♎︎ | September 23 – October 23

Studies will reveal this week that they in fact do know that it’s Christmas after all. Missionaries from first-world countries have been telling them so for more than 100 years.

Scorpio ♏︎ | October 24 – November 21

After being forgotten by your family setting out on their very unusually timed Christmas vacation, you’ll find yourself transforming your home into a veritable labyrinth of death as two out-of-work actors attempt to burgle you.

Sagittarius ♐︎ | November 22 – December 21

Temporal trouble this holiday season as your housemate’s constant refrains of “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day” are heard by rogue Jinn. On the bright side, new socks and Lynx Africa every morning!